Sometimes arguments get the best of us even if we have a good communication most of the time. But we can work through our differences to take steps toward common goals even if we do not agree about everything. When we are in the middle of an argument with our significant other, we can pause and think about our feelings during that time and think about what started the argument. Maybe we can even say, in a kind way, "I need a minute to think." And then walk away and think about what is happening before reacting. Some ideas to consider:
1) What started the argument? So ask yourself, what really started this argument? If you can't remember what started it then maybe it really isn't that big of a deal. Maybe go back to your significant other and ask them if they remember and if they do not, this may be an opportunity to bring in some humor to the situation. Have fun together, don't always be too serious.
2) Misinterpreted statements: Sometimes we go from 0 to 60 in our emotional reactions when something is said and misinterpreted. Sometimes we assume meaning that isn't there. It can be helpful to ask them what they mean instead of just jumping to conclusions quickly. This pausing and asking instead of reacting can take time to learn especially if we are somewhat reactive individuals. However, it can be done!
3) Irrational conclusions: Ask yourself questions like, am I reacting logically to this statement or situation and if I am, how can I talk about it in a way that is not hurtful but gives the other person a chance to respond and so together we can correct the situation?
4) Overreactions: Ultimatums and threats are not very helpful when trying to move toward goals together. They can escalate the situation and lead to irrational actions on both sides. It is better to walk away for a few minutes and cool down and then address the issue.
On the other side of the coin, structured arguments or 'discussions,' can bring healing to a couple. If we don't address issues when they are small, they can grow into something bigger that is more difficult to address later.
1) We can be proactive in our discussions and can help bring positive change to our relationships when we think before we speak. Maybe keep a journal and write down what upsets you, analyze why and whether it is rational or irrational and then address this in a calm manner later. Try to keep sarcasm and swearing out of the discussion. This just leads to more misinterpretation and escalation. Try instead to keep your voice calm. If you cannot do that at that moment, it's OK to take time to calm down and revisit the argument later with a cool head.
2) Give your spouse or significant other a chance to give their opinions and viewpoint. Ask them what they think and let them speak without interrupting. This helps foster communication and helps them to feel heard which can bring healing.
3) Practice appropriate boundaries. Appropriate boundaries protects us and our significant others and helps us to be respectful of each others wishes while maintaining our own sense of self. Boundaries can bring healing to a couple and foster mutual respect. I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Boundaries are helpful in all kinds of relationships including families, work relationships and with friends.
4) After the argument, spend some time together. Discuss something else that you both agree on. Speak healing and loving words.
Safety first: And remember, if there are safety issues or abuse happening in the relationship, talk to a professional for guidance and seek safety, seek help. Remember you are not alone and can talk to someone about steps toward safety. Talk to a local shelter, talk to a professional. Here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Brie-Anna M. Willey, LMHC, CRC
Shekinah Counseling
www.shekinahcounseling.com
941-807-2670
1) What started the argument? So ask yourself, what really started this argument? If you can't remember what started it then maybe it really isn't that big of a deal. Maybe go back to your significant other and ask them if they remember and if they do not, this may be an opportunity to bring in some humor to the situation. Have fun together, don't always be too serious.
2) Misinterpreted statements: Sometimes we go from 0 to 60 in our emotional reactions when something is said and misinterpreted. Sometimes we assume meaning that isn't there. It can be helpful to ask them what they mean instead of just jumping to conclusions quickly. This pausing and asking instead of reacting can take time to learn especially if we are somewhat reactive individuals. However, it can be done!
3) Irrational conclusions: Ask yourself questions like, am I reacting logically to this statement or situation and if I am, how can I talk about it in a way that is not hurtful but gives the other person a chance to respond and so together we can correct the situation?
4) Overreactions: Ultimatums and threats are not very helpful when trying to move toward goals together. They can escalate the situation and lead to irrational actions on both sides. It is better to walk away for a few minutes and cool down and then address the issue.
On the other side of the coin, structured arguments or 'discussions,' can bring healing to a couple. If we don't address issues when they are small, they can grow into something bigger that is more difficult to address later.
1) We can be proactive in our discussions and can help bring positive change to our relationships when we think before we speak. Maybe keep a journal and write down what upsets you, analyze why and whether it is rational or irrational and then address this in a calm manner later. Try to keep sarcasm and swearing out of the discussion. This just leads to more misinterpretation and escalation. Try instead to keep your voice calm. If you cannot do that at that moment, it's OK to take time to calm down and revisit the argument later with a cool head.
2) Give your spouse or significant other a chance to give their opinions and viewpoint. Ask them what they think and let them speak without interrupting. This helps foster communication and helps them to feel heard which can bring healing.
3) Practice appropriate boundaries. Appropriate boundaries protects us and our significant others and helps us to be respectful of each others wishes while maintaining our own sense of self. Boundaries can bring healing to a couple and foster mutual respect. I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Boundaries are helpful in all kinds of relationships including families, work relationships and with friends.
4) After the argument, spend some time together. Discuss something else that you both agree on. Speak healing and loving words.
Safety first: And remember, if there are safety issues or abuse happening in the relationship, talk to a professional for guidance and seek safety, seek help. Remember you are not alone and can talk to someone about steps toward safety. Talk to a local shelter, talk to a professional. Here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Brie-Anna M. Willey, LMHC, CRC
Shekinah Counseling
www.shekinahcounseling.com
941-807-2670
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